"Don't just stuff free tee shirts in your bag and ogle porn stars. If you don't have anything to sell, sell yourself."

There’s this guy. Or maybe he’s a gal. Whoever he/she is, you don’t want to be that person. Especially in public. You know the one. They are the growling drunk bitching at the entrance to a party. They are the fools who forgot to bring any business cards and lost their pen. They’re the loser who tries to hit on the models and ends up getting punched in the face. They are the goober begging their sponsor for an advance on their payout. They are the adult convention bonehead.

This August the adult Internet industry will gather in Hollywood Florida for the summer 2003 Internext convention. Since it’s so close, it’s a good idea to discuss some basic behaviors that will insure you aren’t that guy. Follow these simple guidelines and you won’t be a bonehead, you’ll be a networking guru:

1. Leave Your Hostility at Home.

Whatever problems plague you -be they personal or porn-related- keep in mind nobody cares. Your hosts didn’t spend all that money or rent all that space just so you can go harass that sponsor who owes you five hundred bucks. If you have disagreements with someone from a message board, leave it on the message board. If you’re too angry to act in a civilized fashion, don’t come. Adult webmaster conventions are for fun and business, not for grudges and sparring.

2. Come Prepared.

If you need to bring promotional materials, plan far enough ahead so you’ll be sure to have them when you go. Book that room. Get those plane reservations. Buy convention tickets in advance. Make sure you have your ID for the airport screeners. Earmark that extra money for food and drinks and tips. If you want to meet with a peer or player, try to set the meeting up ahead of time. Sign up for the guest list for announced parties. Make an itinerary of exactly what seminars, events and booths you want to see.

3. Make Some Moves.

Geeks are a shy lot. We spend so much time holed up in front of our monitors typing our conversations; it's a wonder our vocal cords don’t atrophy right along with our social skills. As your eyes adjust to the bright lights of the showroom, don’t let the humanity blind you or set fear in your heart. Meet people. Stick your damned hand out and say your name. Ask questions of the seminar speakers if you need to. Don’t be afraid to introduce yourself and hand out some business cards. If someone strikes up a conversation, reply in complete sentences instead of grunts and mumbles. Take the time to share a cup of coffee with a peer on the show floor. Buy a drink for your favorite affiliate representative. Don’t just stuff free tee shirts in your bag and ogle porn stars. If you don’t have anything to sell, sell yourself. Don’t just stand there and hold up the wall. Find some friends. Make some friends. Get out there and prove you’re more than HTML code and an email address.

4. Know When to Play.

Be a player but learn where the games are played. The showroom and seminars are where the business is supposed to happen. You want to use those settings to your best advantage just the same there are limits. If you didn’t rent booth space, you can’t go set up a folding table on the convention floor and hawk your wares. You can’t monopolize the time of presenters so much it deters them from dealing with others. If you’re attending a seminar that doesn’t mean it’s a good place to announce your new affiliate program. Positively try to network but don’t be a bulldozer.

By the same token, understand that adult webmaster parties are given by sponsors/hosts with the idea of fun in mind. Just because you didn’t get a change to quiz that hosting provider on the show floor doesn’t mean you can corner them with your bullshit at a party. Any self-respecting etiquette guide will tell you that business and pleasure are not to be mixed. Granted, deals are made in these settings, but you have to play it cool. Like a kiss from a woman, you’ll know when they want it. Just make sure to finalize any real commitments and contracts in a non-party setting later.

5. Know Where to Go.

Not all adult events are as large as Internext but several of them will feature multiple activities for attendees. If the event is a big one like Internext, it would be impossible to go to all the parties, seminars and booths. Visit the booths of adult companies whom you have an interest in. Attend seminars that will teach you something you need to know. Hit the parties of the sponsors, hosts, providers and webmasters communities your part of. While it’s all well and good to be seen at high-profile events, you’ll be better remembered at intimate gatherings.

Make sure you’re also aware of attendee responsibilities for any event. Just because you bought a pass for the convention, it doesn’t mean you get free entrance to all rides. Some parties have a cover charge. Some don’t have an open bar. Show floor guards want proof you’re on the guest/attendee list. Seminars might cost extra. Assume nothing is prepaid unless you’ve got a receipt or a badge.

6. Know How to Behave.

If you want to be a bonehead, do this: Down a few beers on the show floor. Get into a yelling match with another webmaster in front of a booth, preferably close to the entrance. Leave the show room and head off to a seminar. Ask a few unrelated rude questions of the forum speaker. Fall asleep in the middle of the talk and snore loudly. Leave the seminar and crawl up to your hotel room for a short nap. Get up and head down to the closest restaurant for a bite to eat before the parties. Make sure to growl at the waitress and stiff her for the tip. Then down a shitload of drinks at the bar before you head out to the webmaster party. When you get there take time out to breathe on the host so they’ll know your particular brand of liquor. Hit on as many women as you can. Pinch a few asses and grab some tit. Get into a shoving match with that guy who bumped into you and made you spill your 25th beer. Proceed to throw up on the shoes of somebody’s girlfriend and pass out in the bathtub or bathroom, whatever’s at hand. If you do some or all of these then you too can be an adult webmaster convention bonehead.

If you behave like an adult at an adult webmaster convention, you’ll be treated like one forever by those whom you’ve met. If you behave like a bonehead, you’ll become the stuff of bad example legend. Network. Socialize. Do it well and do it effectively. Don’t waste your time or your money by being a bonehead.